


Had We

by Hotalando



Series: Core [8]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Coping, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 19:56:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12778350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hotalando/pseuds/Hotalando
Summary: Had they known, would things have been different?





	Had We

“Do you think we should’ve… noticed?”

Pausing, he could feel the questioning look on him, smiling but pressing confusion. His reflexes wanted him to turn and respond to the smile equally but he couldn’t bring himself to. Fixed on the calm seas before him, he harrumphed, settled on the edge of nervousness. 

Mouth dry, heart clenching, Luffy tried to explain. “Since that… that day, I keep wondering if we should’ve noticed it earlier. I mean, how… uhm…” Where were those words he couldn’t mute at night?

The smile on the other’s features darkened once they figured out whom he was talking about. Only few words were needed for that, what really made the communication work were the emotions they shared about him. The way they said certain words.

Luffy tried again. “I know he has never had a good opinion on himself. And yeah, that’s an understatement but I never thought that he cared so little about himself and… valued his life so little that he would throw it away just like that.” His sentence wasn’t even finished when he noticed the other man opening his mouth to counter but Luffy caught on quickly. “I know he did what we both would have done. What I’ve done for almost all of my nakama, but… we don’t risk our lives like that, you know? I always try to stay alive myself because… what use would I have otherwise?”

“You do know the situation was quite different.” 

“Of course, I do, _I_ was _there_.” The words came out faster than he could fully think them, and how grave the regrets would be. “I’m sorry, Sabo, I didn’t mean to–”

The addressed raised a hand to stop the younger man and shook his head. “It’s a sensitive topic to talk about for you, and me as well, I know you didn’t mean to offend me.” And yet he did it himself. He covered it with a smile.

“It _is_ a sensitive topic and I can’t help but lose control because of it at times. You’re not the first one I lash out at,” Luffy admitted, remembering the first months right afterwards with guilt. “It’s been almost three years and my mind keeps coming up with new things to wreck my brain about.” 

“Like how we should’ve noticed that he didn’t care enough about his own survival as long as we would live?” 

Luffy sighed in defeat, understanding very well what Sabo was implying. “I know he only ever wanted to save us—we would’ve done the same for him. But wouldn’t you have at least tried to figure out a way to save yourself, too?” He looked straight at his brother, demanding an answer, and added: “Wouldn’t you have wanted to survive together with us?”

“Are you serious about asking _me_ that?” A small chuckle appeared on Sabo’s face but he couldn’t hold it for long, the conversation’s gravity pulling him down. What followed was a heavy sigh and a moment of silence, a felt minute of mourning and the attempt of keeping the heat within him from burning him up. It was a sensitive topic, indeed. 

When no answer came, Luffy spoke up again. “I have his words messing up my head sometimes. Then I can’t sleep and I tried to get a midnight meal for distraction once but my appetite was gone.” Strange as that had been, Sanji had offered to cook whatever he wanted just _would he finally stop acting weird and eat something_. But Luffy hadn’t been able to, nor to explain why. “And I keep wondering if we should’ve noticed how deeply he hated himself. Should we have been more aware about his feelings? And how?”

“We were kids, Luffy, I doubt we would have understood enough of the complexity of his feelings back then,” Sabo responded without believing his own words. “Even when you two were older, you didn’t understand enough of it.”

“But maybe I should have? Maybe I should have learned to understand these kinds of things? Maybe if I had, things would’ve turned out better.”

“No,” Sabo insisted, “There were things beyond our reach that messed him up. Even before we met him.” As much as he wished they could’ve been the ones to chase these demons away, the rational part of him knew that they didn’t even know what at all happened to their brother’s mental state in the first place. “Some things can’t be fixed, I fear…”

“Yeah,” Luffy agreed hollowly, turning his focus back onto the now larger waves. Their calm movements had changed as his mood, now raging inside him and rocking his self-confidence dangerously with their rhythm. Nothing could fix this feeling inside him, this heavy guilt, that hadn’t he been such a dumb fool, had he been more supportive, had he been there for his brother, his life would’ve taken a different course. 

Never crossing Sabo’s though.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, it's full of plot holes and not really making sense, maybe. But I had this scene in my head where those two talked about Ace and his corrupted idea of his own worth. I'm kind of implying here that this grave lack of self-value is one of the main reasons for his "no regrets" lifestyle and being always ready to sacrifice his own life.   
> And I like my Luffy a little more intellectual and thoughtful.


End file.
